Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
