My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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