I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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