Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
