I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
