Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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