Your dad touched me again.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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