I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
