sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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