dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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