i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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