connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
