Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
pray to the hookup gods
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
