dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
