Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
