His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
