Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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