My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
