I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
