GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
