insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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