Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
