Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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