Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
