I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
