now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
