just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
