You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He better not be in your backpack
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
