Is it normal to miss your booty call?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
