How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
