I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
