Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
