no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
