when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
do herpes really smell.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
