I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
