Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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