she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
