you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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