dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
