Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
