i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
