did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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