yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
