One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
