WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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