remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
