did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
