I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
