Umm I'm too high to move.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
