So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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