Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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