so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
