I CAN MOONWALK!
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
